


What we do in the shadows… is none of your business

by I_is_a_freak



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Sexual Acts, Swearing, petty arguing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 10:07:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5452775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_is_a_freak/pseuds/I_is_a_freak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pauline graciously sits down with the interview the documentary team for an exclusive</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we do in the shadows… is none of your business

**Author's Note:**

> You think it would be easier to find something for 1000 year old vampires to fight about but i struggled so in the end i went for the lowest blow there is

What we do in the shadows… is none of your business 

 

[Camera zooms in and out to focus]

The vampire Pauline was sitting on a chair in the middle of the lounge room. There was a lady doing her hair and a man had come up to clip a microphone to her chest.

Pauline: *slaps his hand* What? What are you doing?

Man: This is the microphone; I just need to clip it to your dress. 

Pauline: No, no no, no!

The man tried to clip the microphone again Pauline slapped the hand away, vamped out and lunged at him.

[Screaming, cut to black]

[Camera zooms in and out to focus]

Pauline was back on the chair; she had the microphone clip and was putting it on. The lady with a brush was touching up her makeup and helping dap blood off her dress.

Off Screen: Can you please say One Two, One Two

Pauline: One, Two, One Two. What is this One Two? I can count higher then two; can you not count higher? Why this One Two?

Off Screen: We are just checking the sound.

Pauline: Sound? You can hear me, I can hear you. 

Off Screen: I can hear you, just making sure the camera can.

Pauline: Very well, are you done now? Can we get on with this?

Off screen: Yep, all good. Now I’m going to ask some questions, just answer to the best you can.

Pauline: Yes, yes, I’ve been interviewed before. Begin, ask your questions.

Off screen: you’ve had an impressive run as a vampire, looking back what has been some highlights?

Pauline: There had been so many. Let us see, I once drained a Lady of court and took her place. Then I drained the whole royal family and seized control of the whole land. There was a time when Vladislav and I razed a village.

Off screen: If you are willing to talk about him, Vladislav has said…

Pauline: *huff* really? What has that Arsehole said? 

Off screen: He has said that the darkest part of his mind is reserved for you.

Pauline: He said that? He is such a dramatic vamp. 

~~~

Vladislav: She said that? That Beast. I was Vladislav the Poker long before I met her.

~~~

Pauline: Vladislav the Poker, ha. If it was not for me he would be Vladislav the Nobody. He was wasteful and he would leave bodies everywhere. It was me who told him to get himself a torture chamber. He would have been dead without me. You humans are dumb but after the fiftieth body even you would be asking questions.

~~~

Vladislav: Back in those days, question were asked with torches and pitchforks; No open dialog at all. I can poke a lot of people but not all at one.

~~~

Pauline: I will tell you one thing about Arsehole, He has a tiny penis.

~~~

Vladislav: I have a normal sized penis, bigger than normal, huge even, I will show you.

*Vladislav stands, undoes his zipper and pulls down his pants*

[Camera cuts to black]

[Camera refocuses]

*Vladislav is readjusting his pants*

Vladislav: See? Totally normal sized.

~~~

Pauline: So small. 

[Holds up hands and gestures small with her pointer finger and thumb] 

~~~

Vladislav: it does not matter about my penis size, my normal penis size, I could satisfy so many women, 20, 30 women at a time with my penis.

~~~

Pauline: *huff* the ‘orgies’

[Pauline used her fingers and gestured air quotes]

Pauline: those women only went to fuck each other. Vladislav would get so wasted and fall asleep after one orgasm. One hand Vladislav they would call him.

~~~

Vladislav: They would call me One Hand because that’s all I needed to get a women off.

~~~

Pauline: It was because it was all they needed to get him off. Then they could continue on themselves. Did I also tell you about the time I caught him with my best friend at the time; fucking her.

~~~

Vladislav: Anna was a wonderful women, sweet, caring, a good fuck

~~~

Pauline: so of course I stake her so Arsehole and I can have a Talk.

~~~

Vladislav: The Beast comes in the room in a terrible rage and goes straight for her friend. I don’t want to be dust so I leave the situation.

~~~

Pauline: and like the coward he is he runs away, so I pick up my spear and follow after him.

~~~

Vladislav: She chases me out on to the street and impales me on a lamp post.

~~~

Pauline: It got him to say still for a few minutes so we could have our talk. It was overdue and every time I try to bring it up he would find some reason to leave. 

*using a bad accent* Oh I think I left someone in the torture chamber.

Pauline: blar, it was so annoying but I finally pinned him down and gave him a piece of my mind. How dare he fuck my friend without telling me? I had been working to fuck Anna myself for days and he just fucks her first?

~~~

Vladislav: How was I to know?

~~~

Pauline: I had dibs on her and I told him but does he listen to me? No, he never listens so he makes the final straw. So I tell him what a terrible vampire he is and how vein he is.

~~~

Vladislav: They were all terribly untrue and hurtful

~~~

Pauline: I told him we were through then after I had said what I needed to say I left. I never saw him until this night.

~~~

Vladislav: I was on the lamp post for hours calling for help. I was almost killed by the sun.

~~~

Off Screen: May I ask, the two of you seem to been very passionate when you are together.

Pauline: ah yes, so much passion. Have you had a person or vampire touch you in a place inside you that makes you feel such fury but you enjoy that feeling so you enjoy the person? This is the passion we have together.

~~~

Vladislav: We had some good times together. Good sexual times; there is always something about her, I cannot stop myself.

~~~

Pauline: We are two people who are fated to meet, have passion until it consumes us then leave again till our next meeting.


End file.
